dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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