I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
