Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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