You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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