as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
