woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am one with the molecules
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
