I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
