There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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