who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
