You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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