Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
