Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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