No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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