i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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