So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
