you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
