were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
