In America we eat man semen.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
