you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
