take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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