I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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