Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
