This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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