Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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