my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
