my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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