Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I am midnight drunk by noon
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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