So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
