I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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