what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
