Can i not drive my cunt home
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
