in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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