Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
