the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love you. Go after that dick
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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