I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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