The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
