My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
