Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
