there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
