And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
