I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
