I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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