I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
