i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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