Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
