take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
