you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she peed on how many people?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
