if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
