This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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