I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
