Moan for me like Helen Keller
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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