if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
