I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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