I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
