Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
