you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
