Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Barsexuality is the new black.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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