the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
