Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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