Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
