Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
