It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
