So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
